I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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