A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
