When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
