i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
