The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
