I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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