so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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