I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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