I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
