Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you still have your period?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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