no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
