Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
