Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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