i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize