So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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