If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
