i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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