I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
