obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
