I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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