If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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