Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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