Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
