I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
