You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
