I think I just saw someone hide a body.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
