So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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