Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
