dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
