i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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