Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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