Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
