When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
please come you make the beer taste better
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
