some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
