i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
