he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
