I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
