Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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