I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
