I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize