I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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