She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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