i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
