k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He felt like a one man threesome
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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