Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
