If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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