i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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