im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
