We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
