Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
