Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
