i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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