Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
