oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
