ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
