Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize