just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
