I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
