The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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