So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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