Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
