hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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