I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
