He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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