is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
