Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
